Shaking Sweetness, Just Now And Then
by hallowgirlfrommars
Summary: "Every time Dean gets a glimpse of those big blue eyes, he feels as if he's shaking and he can taste sticky-sweet memories on his lips and the sheer strangeness of Cas's fingers sliding through his." Dean knows he and Cas are close. OK, pretty close. But that's all they are. There's nothing weird between them. Nothing at all. Inspired by "Jenny" by the Studio Killers. Destiel.


**Inspired by "Jenny" by the Studio Killers. This one just popped into my head because the song always reminds me of them. Leave a review if you like it! :)**

* * *

_Jenny, darling, you're my best friend_

_But there's a few things that you don't know about..._

_Jenny, take my hand, for we are more than friends_

_I would follow you until the end-Studio Killers_

Dean's convinced that it's that stupid song that puts it in his head.

It's always on the radio whenever Sammy whines him into letting him choose the music and he doesn't know why the hell it sticks in his head. It's nothing like the stuff Dean chooses to listen to-Zeppelin and AC/DC and everything else he blasts when the Impala's going down the dark roads at night.

But then for some reason, this song's blasting over the radio and for some stupid reason, Dean didn't just switch it over, even though Sammy's asleep next to him and when he glances behind him, it looks as if Cas has dozed off too-or at least, he's sitting with his eyes closed.

But the car's filled with the low sounds of these electronic beats-stupid pop sounds Dean would usually hate-and the words somehow get stuck in his ears.

One snippet gets stuck in his head. _And I'm using your shirt as a pillowcase._

Dean feels his brow furrow. Something sticks in his head and he goes against every rule of road safety as he turns his head to see Cas curled up in the back seat, with that coat tucked around him like a duvet. Something about it's adorable and that's how Dean knows he's been awake too long.

He remembers holding that jacket when Cas was gone. There was a time, when Sam was off somewhere looking something up, that Dean had gone down and got it out just to look at it. He'd held it for a second and then-he shakes his head even _thinking_ about, it was so freaking weird-he'd buried his head in it, like it was a _blankie _or something. And then he'd just sort of lain down with it.

It had been kind of awkward when Sammy came back and Dean had to explain why he was asleep, with his head buried in Cas's coat. The entire time Dean had been yelling his way through an explanation of _he'd just been freaking tired, OK, Sammy, and why the hell was that a problem_, and Sam had been watching him with this too-understanding grin that made Dean think about shaking his brother by the shoulders.

But that was just a _thing._ A stupid, one-time thing. When he missed Cas like hell and that was the way to make it stop. Meant nothing.

Dean takes another look at Cas over his shoulder and tries not to notice how the guy's eyelashes brush his cheeks.

Doesn't affect him at all.

But he reaches across and switches the song off anyway, because it's stupid, and anyway, that time with the coat meant nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

* * *

But the song keeps playing on the radio and every time Sammy insists on it being on, Dean imagines a thousand deaths for him before he remembers that Sammy's probably made his way through a fair few of those already.

But seriously, when Sammy gives him that knowing freaking _grin_, Dean really wants to smash his hand through something.

And that song keeps playing over and over.

_Why I borrow your lipstick so often_

And that line just makes Dean think of the time they were in some motel bathroom where they'd left all these complimentary soaps and stuff out and Dean had kind of shoved them aside and the next thing he knew Cas was picking one of them up and rubbing the gel into his lips.

Dean had rolled his eyes. "Dude" he'd said, grabbing Cas's wrist before he could think twice. "What the hell?"

Cas had stared at him with that strangely confused look and then held the gel up. "It says to apply to the lips."

"Yeah." Dean had held up his hands. "For girls. It's for girls."

Cas had glanced back at the gel for a moment, his eyes flickering between the pot and Dean, and then his finger had leapt out and smeared the gel on Dean's lips.

Dean had stopped dead, with Cas's finger still pressed against his mouth, the sticky-sweet strawberry of the gloss against his lips, and Cas's blue eyes just inches from his own. Cas's lips had twitched in a smile and suddenly, the bathroom had seemed way too small for the two of them and why the hell had he thought it was a good idea to come in here with Cas, anyway?

_I wanna ruin our friendship _the girl on the radio's singing, and Dean shakes his head and slams it to another channel over Sammy's protests. Cas doesn't say anything, just watches from the backseat with that _the strangeness of humans _confused look he so often wears, and Dean turns to look at them both.

"What?" he asks and then shrugs and turns back to the windshield, trying to forget the taste of sticky strawberry memories on his mouth.

* * *

But the song _keeps playing._ Dean's ready to murder whoever keeps giving it airtime because seriously, what the hell. It's just there, constantly, getting in his head.

And then there's a time when he and Cas are just in the car together, Cas staring out of the window with those big blue eyes and that song playing. And Dean's just about to lean over and turn it over because enough's enough when the lines change, and it's something about "stealing your stuff just now and then" and that's enough to make Dean yank his hand back and turn back to the road because no way, that's like telepathy or something.

"Dean?" and he looks over to see Cas watching him with that concerned expression, those eyes narrowed, those lips and-stop looking at the lips.

"'M fine" he mutters, instead, turning back to the road. "Just-checking stuff, that's all."

And that is all. He's fine, he's fine, Dean Winchester's totally fine. It's just that-

It was like that song _knew _or something.

Because Dean doesn't steal from Cas-he wouldn't do that to the guy, no matter how many credit card stunts he's pulled in the past. He'd never take from him, not the way other people would mean it.

But...sometimes...he just-keeps stuff. Little stuff that Cas won't notice. Just to remind himself that Cas was there at all. A coin that drops out of one of Cas's pockets-and Dean probably gave him that in the first place, so it's not even really _stealing._

Sometimes, a piece of paper that Cas leaves behind. Sometimes, just something one of them buys for him that he forgets. A little keyring. Once, he'd kept Cas's phone for a couple of days and just kept an eye on it, imagining Cas's fingers moving over the keys.

But hell, that's nothing. It's just because he worries. That's it, he just worries. Totally normal. Hell, it'd be weirder if he didn't, after what they've been through. And it's normal. Nothing weird about it at all. Cas never misses the stuff.

Dean just likes to hold onto a piece of him, that's all.

And Dean shakes his head because dude, where did _that _thought come from?

But he just guns the engine and keeps it going, because the last thing he needs is to start explaining himself to Castiel.

* * *

He really hates the song by the time he hears it for the seventh time.

In fact, he'd go as far as to guess that someone up there's fucking with him by making him keep hearing it, and he really wants Cas to go and smite whoever it is but that just happens to be a conversation he and Cas will never have.

Because, just no way.

But then this time, it's different. It's playing in the car behind them where Sammy's still sitting and he and Cas are standing at the side of the highway, looking at the stars. It had been Cas who'd asked to get out and for some stupid reason, Dean had got out with him. And he's got no idea why, especially when he can still hear the stupid song.

_Take my hand, for we are more than friends..._

And now Dean can't take his eyes off Cas's hand, which is dangling loosely next to his and he can't stop thinking of his fingers from wrapping around the angel's, and what the hell?

_I will follow you until the end..._

"The sky looks different at night" and Dean turns at the gravel sound of the voice next to him. Cas has his head tilted back and he's staring up at the sky, those eyes taking it all in.

"Yeah" says Dean and rolls his eyes. Really freaking eloquent, Winchester.

"This is my favourite view" and Dean can't help staring because it's rare that Cas talks like this and right now the same thrill of shock is going through Dean that went through him the first time Cas sat on the bench beside him and said _I have questions, I have doubts._

"The sky?" and Castiel gives him one of those _don't disappoint me with your layman's terms, Dean _looks.

"No" he says softly, and Dean is trying not to notice those blue eyes lit up by the stars. "The heavens. Where I used to be."

And Dean feels a sharp stab in his chest at the longing in the angel's voice. "Do you wish you were still there?"and God, could that have sounded more freaking needy if he tried?

Castiel turns and looks at him, those blue eyes locking with Dean's gaze. "Things were simpler then, it's true" says the angel, and that _stare's_ still going on. "But no, Dean. I do not wish I was still there."

"Why not?" and Dean really means it because hell, he can't imagine lives more complicated than their's and now Cas is all mixed up in it too.

Castiel hasn't looked away and one corner of his mouth twitches in a smile. "Because I'm with you" he says and he carries on staring and Dean thinks this might just be the most awkward moment of all time, and that song's still playing.

Cas is still staring when Dean reaches out and takes his hand. Castiel doesn't react, apart from a slight widening of the eyes, and then Dean slides his fingers further in and Castiel's grip tightens in return.

And then he hears the chorus of that song start again and Sam yells something to them and both of them drop their hands straight away and it's for the best, it has to be for the best.

Because this can't happen.

* * *

He's fed up of the song but he keeps it playing, even after Sam and Cas are asleep. Cas has been watching him all evening in the rearview mirror and every time Dean gets a glimpse of those big blue eyes, he feels as if he's shaking and he can taste sticky-sweet memories on lips and the sheer strangeness of Cas's fingers sliding through his-even though it's fine and it's just a few thing, shaking and sticky-sweetness, just now and then, and Cas will never know.

And he remembers that voice, those words: _The moment Castiel laid a hand on you, he was lost._

_Corrupt._

And maybe that's another reason Dean shouldn't have slid his hand into Cas's earlier. Dude's out of heaven. He's only got them. And then Dean could go and mess things up. Hell, he doesn't even know if that's what Cas wants. Cas probably thinks it's totally normal for humans to hold hands. He won't get it.

And anyway, it's not like he needs more problems on his plate.

And Dean knows that this would be the biggest problem Cas has ever dealt with, and Dean's not going to be the one to shove it on him.

And that stupid song's still playing.

_I wanna ruin our friendship_

_We should be lovers instead_

Dean closes his eyes for a split second-it's the middle of the night and they're on a deserted highway, who's gonna know-and tries not to think of Cas's mouth on his, that sticky-sweet taste back and those big blue eyes and Dean's eyes fly open because freaking hell if either Sam or Cas gets a glimpse of his lap now, it's going to be awkward.

_But I don't know how to say this_

_Because you're really my dearest friend_

Dean takes a look at Cas in the back seat. The angel's slumped to one side, with those eyelashes brushing his cheeks again. His lips are parted, and he's lost in dreams, occasionally murmuring something in his sleep and Dean's never wished so much he could be a mind-reader. In fact, if he was honest, Cas looks downright adorable.

And he guesses Cas is his best friend. He's never thought about it much. Cas is just-there. Always-there.

But the thought of him vanishing hurts like hell.

And so Dean turns back to the road because he's got to forget about holding hands with Cas, he's got to forget about all this weird stuff. They've got enough problems as it is without him dragging this up. He's got to forget it. Cas doesn't need this.

He still remembers Cas's eyes when Dean fastened a tie for him one day-they were dressed up as some agents and Cas couldn't do the freaking tie and Dean had just tied it for him, the same way he would for Sammy.

And then Cas's fingers had caught hold of Dean's wrist as Dean made to turn away and the angel's voice had been low. "Dean" he'd said and those eyes were just inches away. "Thank you."

And Dean had just stared back.

Sammy had come in a second later, of course, and that had been enough to disrupt any kind of _moment _they might have been having, but all he'd had in his head for hours afterwards were those big blue eyes.

The voice on the radio is whispering a name over and over and that's what's going on inside Dean's head right now. Cas's name over and over.

Just freaking insane.

He revs up the gear and keeps driving. There's nothing weird between him and Cas. Nothing weird at all.

Just friends. Just friends. Right. Good. Just this stupid song putting stuff in his head. Just forget about it. Just friends.

And if Dean Winchester keeps his eyes on the road, and his foot on the gas and tries not to think of anything even remotely related to Castiel, he can almost believe it.

Nothing weird between him and Cas. Nothing weird at all.

_Cos you're really my dearest friend._

* * *

_I wanna ruin our friendship_

_We should be lovers instead_

_I don't know how to say this_

_'Cos you're really my dearest friend-Studio Killers._

**Don't forget to leave a review! Come on s10, give us Destiel canon. :) And Dean, get out of denial. :)**


End file.
